About to lay down a huge amount of truth in this post! I am not holly jolly, happy go lucky JoJo all the time. It is shocking, I know. Sometimes it is all I can do to control my inner Grinch and not tell Cindy LouWho where to stick her tinsel.
This has been one of those particularly hard holiday seasons for sure. I have had the gloomy reality that I would be working from December 21st thru to the am of December 28th on my calendar since October. That gave it lots of time to fester up into a big ol’ pile of ugly in my gut. I know, I know…..be thankful I have a job…..I hear you all saying that now. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my job or that I don’t like my career. It’s that as a nurse for almost 19 years it NEVER gets easier to be away from your family on the holidays. (And then add working night shift on top of that. It ain’t pretty, people!)
It has always been a bummer to work holiday shifts, but being on the floor or in the ER with your fellow staff to commiserate with made it a bit more bearable, because they become your family. But now I do all my nurse work on the phone…alone….in a small office.
It is hard to see everyone’s family photos of frolicking, fun, and festivities. I just want to be able to do that, too. So here I am, pity party of one. I have cried more times than I like to admit this week. And crying makes me mad! I hate when I cry, because I feel silly for doing it. I have tried multiple times to give myself a stern talking to about my attitude this holiday season.
So sitting alone tonight in the quiet of my “closet of solitude” (aka my office at the hospital), I decided to give myself a break. It is ok to feel the way I feel. I can acknowledge my disappointment and be sad. I don’t need to be fake or make myself feel guilty. Things are not always going to be perfect (more often than not)! I am thankful, grateful, and blessed, I know that. My life is pretty darn good, but I am going to have some really crappy days sometimes. What I have to remember is that I will NOT….I refuse to…. stay in this waller of negativity and pessimism.
So I will let myself cry if I need to, sometimes it’s the best therapy. If you have a had a less than stellar Christmas this year, remember that you don’t have to force yourself to feel anyway you don’t want to feel. That being said though, you eventually have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I will dismiss being a Debbie Downer in a few days and go back to being a Jolly JoJo.
In the meantime if you see me, I will try my best to smile, give you a hug, and wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Just forgive me if my green Grinch fur is poking out from around my collar and I mutter “bah humbug” under my breath. There’s always next year!
I want to end this post by saying, “Thank You!!!”, to all those who work the holidays to serve and help others: nurses, techs, doctors, paramedics, police officers, firemen, military, but also those who work in retail, food service, entertainment….. If you worked the holiday and had to spend any amount of time away from where your heart really was, I thank you and God bless us, everyone!
